The Startle Reflex

The goal of this blog has always been to be an open book of my successes, failures, strengths, and weakness throughout this journey. Tonight is more weakness and failure in the hopes that I and others like Stephen or Soldiers who stumble across this will learn from it.

Last night when Katy and I talked on the phone, I asked her what were some of the things she wanted to know about this tour that I haven’t told her yet. She wanted to know, “What will be the hardest thing to get past when you come home?” My response was the startle reflex. With a couple of startles under my belt, even only small ones, I have noticed an accuity towards certain sounds and conditions. I told Katy a slamming door or a book dropped on the floor would probably take a little while to get passed. Even in chapel tonight, I heard an 18 wheeler’s brakes screeching and just briefly associated it with something else, and as I typed this very sentence in the dark, a camera flash went off, and that too made me pause for just a second to check it out. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good reflex and I’m quite willing to take a week or two stateside to let it go.

Our neighbor has been to Iraq and other places many times. He advised me before coming over to turn the switch on as soon as I got on the plane and not turn it off till I landed in the states. What he was referring to is the survival switch. The one that makes you get up in the night with a baseball bat and double check the door, except on a different level. He said, “Short of abandoning your faith, all things good about your humanity need to be turned off and you focus on making the right decisions aggressively with preservation of you and your Soldiers foremost in your mind.” Thankfully, I am not in the conditions that he was and it’s not that bad, but I totally get where he’s coming from. Just when you let down your guard, something snaps you back.

Also startling is responding to things back home. Relatives, church family, and former neighbors have passed away since I’ve been here. Hearing the news on the phone somehow makes it seem surreal and distant. But to the families back there, it’s so real and painful. Trying to connect across that is very difficult. Other news is hard to take too. Some things ring hollow. I equated it to when you’re the family at a funeral and the umpteenth person just said, “I’m so sorry for your loss”. At certain times, some things just don’t penetarte and sink in when the sender sure was hoping they would.

When Katy struggles with the DMV for the thousandth time, I want to climb through the phone and fix things. Can’t. When Grace won’t nap, the kids fuss, or I can tell Katy is lonely, what can I do to fix that? It sounds so empty to reach once again into your bag of Army lines to tell your wife for the millionth time that “I’m sorry about that”, “Next time I’ll be there”, “I wish I could…” or “Sure would’ve liked to have seen that”. For anyone that glamorizes this stuff, (none of you thankfully), this is where the rubber meets the road and the reality of being away hits one in the gut.

Likewise Katy feels it too. How could she respond? She must vent to someone yet the one she needs the most is the one most distant from her. So it at times can be this circle of highs and lows. The highs pump up your intimacy for one another and carry you through the lows, but at the same time sets up expectations that this isn’t going to be as challenging as it is for everyone else or somehow we’ll escape the struggles that others have. The lows stretch and test you, but ultimately grow you – individually and as a couple. But during them, it’s not hooah at all.

Specifically I’m talking about today. Today is Grace’s second birthday. Our little girl is growing up and Mom is alone in the high of seeing our “big girl” eat cake, be joyful, and be adored on this special day. But Mom is also alone in the lows of planning, gift buying, invitations, getting ready and cleaning up. My part – emailing Katy with a request to get Grace a locket from me with a picture of Daddy. So Mommy even has to get Dad’s present. And this comes just a month after missing her birthday and our anniversary. I blew it. Looking back, I know I could have found something to send to Grace or some unique way to help her celebrate and once again “busy” stepped in instead. And “I’m sorry, baby girl” and “Next time, honey” just don’t cut it, and rightfully so. I’d trade a handful of startles do go back and do it right.

So here I am this well trained, conditioned Soldier, who loves and misses his wife and kids, yet might as well be on the moon right now. For some things I am powerless to influence them today, tomorrow, and many more days to come.

There’s 146,000 more just like me too. Tonight in chapel a man asked for prayer. His son had jumped 25 feet and just came out of ICU. He knew if he got hurt bad enough Dad could come home and believes that he is the reason for why mommy and daddy got divorced. I also have a co-worker named Temekai. Yesterday was her birthday and she had a horrible day, that is until a friend who is also in the Army that she’s known for 16 years took her somewhere for an Iraqi lady to give her a pedicure and she got a bunch of total strangers to sing happy birthday for her, and even smuggled some cake out of the DFAC for her to eat while her feet soaked. She cried just telling us about how her friend rescued her yesterday and made a cruddy day pretty special for her after all. Her friend did what I should have done for Grace and Katy.

Lord, like so many things in life I confess that I am powerless to influence them and when I can, I often blow it. Instead of trusting You to provide, I struggle against the wind to change what only You can or give less than my best. So I ask in Your mercy that you will give grace to Grace and let today be an overwhelmingly special day to her tender little heart. That you would put big smiles on her tiny face and bright stars in her eyes. May she feel adored, worthy, special, and treasured because You are her real Father and I am only her steward. Please give Katy grace for the day to be able to bask in the fun of remembering when You gave us our baby girl. Help Katy to let go and let grow where she needs to, and to hold on tightly where she should, and give her the wisdom to discern how and when. Connect our hearts across the miles as a family. May Stephen and Grace and Katy and all my friends and loved ones know they are never more than a millisecond from my thoughts and show me how to be better at looking past my situation and pour energy into that of my family’s and others. In Christ’s name, amen.  

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